Just about anybody who’s used a dating app has had their fair share of awkward first encounters.
In talking with other female friends, I noticed most of us had our own stories of harassment, stalking, or threats.
Most of us have developed strategies to protect ourselves from these scarier experiences. For instance, I try to keep my conversation solely on the dating app until we meet in person. I don’t connect my Twitter or Instagram accounts (many apps require you to use a Facebook login, however), and I don’t give out specifics about my job or where I live. I tell at least one person where I’m going and let them know when I get home.
Oh my god this is me, and I always thought this was just me! I started this after a guy I went on one date with in February STILL messages (AND CALLS) out of the blue. Still. I haven't responded to him since February.
— Samira Sadeque (@Samideque) July 3, 2018
My date will never know most of this. That’s fine, it’s for my protection after all. Earlier this week, I got into a testy conversation with a potential match that put me back on guard. We traded a handful of messages before this stranger offered his phone number (unprompted). He then asked me for my number. I insisted on using the app, and let him know that I was uncomfortable sharing my number before meeting someone after a bad experience.
He sent a terse reply to let me know he was offended. The words “Don’t you trust me?” were somewhere in the mix. I felt unsafe and quickly ended our conversation.
The fear of matching with a dangerous date on an app isn’t unfounded. Earlier this year, a woman was killed by a partner she met through a dating site. There are other horror stories that include cases of sexual assault and a serial rapist using a dating app to find victims.
Last time I gave my number out before a first date, I canceled ahead of time bc I got a bad feeling. He ended up harassing me for hours, saying he was gonna find me & threatening me with violence. I had to call the police to get him to stop. So, yeah, I agree with this policy.
— Jade Budowski (@jadebudowski) July 3, 2018
That isn’t to say you should necessarily stop using dating apps. A number of women and a few men offered their tips on how they keep themselves safe when online dating.
Journalist Claudia Elena said she avoided taking rides from dates she just met. My graduate school classmate, Alice Perlowski, chimed in to say that she would withhold her last name and not share where she lived until she felt like she could trust him. “[I] always listen to my first instinct. If they seem shady, they are shady,” she wrote.
Numerous replies suggested using a Google Voice number for contact. The trusted strategy of telling a friend where you’re going and who you’re seeing was among the most popular responses. For additional safety, one woman told me she would share her geolocation with friends so at least someone would know exactly where they were.
And of course meet somewhere public the first time. I prefer a non-drinking, daylight meeting, in a place I’m familiar with for the first date. Sure, it’s less formal and there is less pressure, but it’s also much safer.
— Dede Crimmins (@dedecrim) July 3, 2018
Google voice number. My 100% go to business and life tip. Goes to my email.
— Jen Oleniczak Brown (@JenOleniczak) July 3, 2018
Meet them and go home separately, so they don't have your address (learned this the hard way), also screenshot your date's social media/dating profile and send to friends, have a check-in call, etc. https://t.co/mrfKwU8BrM
— Sarah (@Cinesnark) July 3, 2018
Once the guy's phone number is saved as a contact they come up as a recommended friend on facebook, so now you have their first and last name. Before entering their house or apartment for the first time, texting this name and the address to a friend.
— BiMinister of Canada (@resarylo) July 3, 2018
Never give a first date your home address. I was stalked for months by one when I caved on that.
— Ignore Trump Tweets (@ButtercupLeo) July 3, 2018
My university provided a campus safety app called LiveSafe that (among the usual campus safety features) let you virtually walk your friends home. We used it for late nights going home from the library as well as dates. It was an awesome tool and we all got use out of it!
— Hannah Silvers (@hannah_silvers) July 3, 2018
I had gotten a tip from a friend of mine about reverse image search a while ago, but it still holds up. If you want to keep your social and dating profiles separate, then you’re also going to need different pictures so a reverse image search can’t link the two.
One friend also told me to do this with potential dates after she image searched a man she was dating, only to discover his personal Facebook page and his marriage.
Some great advice I was once given: don’t use the same pics you have on social media, or the person could reverse image search them and find out personal information about you
— Bianca Fortis (@biancafortis) July 3, 2018
I made a separate Facebook profile to link to Tinder.
— Hannah Bae (@hanbae) July 3, 2018
Before meeting up, I'd ask for the dude's first and last name, and I'd give that info to my best friend.
I also followed your rule about not giving out my number until we actually met up.
And that's how I met my husband!
When it comes to matters of the heart, it’s important to put your safety first. No date is worth sacrificing your sense of security. Whether you establish a call or check-in system with a friend or purge any connections to your personal social media accounts, know that you have options and shouldn’t feel forced to disclose personal information.
You are not alone in this weird world of dating.
