Anxiety Chronicles is a series from The Lily that examines the journeys different women have with anxiety.
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My history with anxiety
The most recent diagnosis for me in 2011 after being hospitalized is bipolar II disorder. I am hopeful the name will change to Bananapants on Third.
How anxiety presents itself physically
Because I’m on meds (Seroquel, Depakote and Prozac), I have considerably fewer physical manifestations than I once did. I used to stay up all night (mostly vacuuming) and exercise like a maniac (sprinting around a track while weeping).
How anxiety presents itself mentally
Obsession with ethics, obsession with numbers (making sure we’re giving 11 percent of the business income to charity) and weighing myself every day.
What a day when my anxiety is at its worst looks like
It’s not as much of an issue anymore, but when I get to worrying, it’s the classics. Am I fat? (Boring.) Am I aging? (Yes.) Am I filthy? (Yes.) Am I dying? (Of course.) Am I a terrible person? (Huh. Hard to say, but lots to worry about.) Am I racist, homophobic, sexist, creepy, bad, inherently evil? (I’ll leave that up to a God I have no belief in.)
My go-to coping mechanism
Exercise and reaching out to friends from my various 12-step groups.
What I wish people knew about anxiety
They aren’t alone. If you talk to anyone for over 20 minutes, they will reveal some very odd anxiety or type of OCD or bizarre hidden belief system. I have been on a lot of Southwest Airlines flights. The most “together” looking people are also viscerally afraid of ice.