Anxiety Chronicles is a series from The Lily that examines the journeys different women have with anxiety.
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My history with anxiety
My anxiety started when I was a teenager. Things were happening to my family that I could not control: My parents divorced, my dad moved out and we had to sell my childhood home the month I left for college. I dealt with these changes by becoming an overachiever — competitive in academics, extracurricular activities and highly focused on setting goals for my future.
Because my anxiety manifests from the loss of control, it reached a peak in my early 30s when I became a mother for the first time. Babies are needy, unpredictable and (surprise!) do not follow a schedule when they are born. My carefully crafted vision of being a wife with a nice house, a couple dogs and kids was not working out as I planned.
One day, I finally scheduled an appointment with my doctor. I left with a prescription to treat panic attacks, but when I wanted to get pregnant again a few years later, I had to stop taking the medication. After my son was born, my husband suggested I visit a counselor. Once I admitted I had anxiety, we were able to discuss a treatment plan. Today I manage it with a combination of medication, therapy, journaling and exercise.
How anxiety presents itself physically
The first sign is the unexplained urge to shake or wring my hands. My heart beats fast; my breathing quickens and becomes shallow. I tend to avoid eye contact and have difficulty following conversations.
To distract myself, I rub the palm of my hand with the opposite thumb. My husband now knows this is a sign that I need to find a quiet spot to be alone.
How anxiety presents itself mentally
As a working mom, part-time writer and wife, I have many responsibilities and tend to multitask to fit everything into my day. However, when I am dealing with anxiety, I start several tasks but nothing gets finished. I have difficulty concentrating and become distracted by the next thing I need to do.
My mind starts running through all the worst-case scenarios about my job, if we should spend the money to landscape the backyard, or how are we going to pay for college for our two kids.
What a day when my anxiety is at my worst looks like
As soon as I get out of bed, I start counting down the hours until I can go back to sleep. My limbs feel heavy and my thoughts fuzzy. I play the part of a working mom, almost like following a script that someone wrote for me: I show up at work, look the part and say the right things.
However, I avoid conversations, conflict and physical closeness with my family because experiencing emotions is difficult. By the end of the day, I feel guilty for the way I have treated those who are closest to me.
My go-to coping mechanism
When my daughter was 1, I signed up for my first 5K race. By the time my son was 2, I was running three to four half-marathons each year.
I return from a run feeling better both mentally and physically.
When running is not an option, I pick up my journal and write down my fears. I consider the worst thing that can happen in a given situation, and write down all the possibilities. By the time I finish processing it all on paper, I am more calm and able to see there is really no reason to be anxious.
What I wish people knew about anxiety
It is exhausting to hide my anxiety, but I do it to make others feel more comfortable. Only my family and close friends have seen me struggle with anxiety, because I hide it well. At work, I am focused and professional. With friends, I’m happy and talkative. However, my husband can look at me and tell it is a bad day.
It’s also important not to judge or compare yourself to others on social media. I mainly post happy pictures of my dogs, kids and places I travel. I don’t think I am misrepresenting my real life, but I mainly post things that make me smile and memories I want to look back on one day. Even with the push to remove the stigma surrounding mental health care, I do not like to talk about my anxiety in spaces where I could be judged. Especially by people who have never met me, or don’t know my family history and day-to-day life.
Finally, if you think you have anxiety, I encourage you to talk to your doctor or visit a therapist. You do not have to deal with anxiety on your own and there is no shame in seeking treatment options.
