Anxiety Chronicles is a series from The Lily that examines the journeys different women have with anxiety.
My history with anxiety
I didn’t notice my anxiety until after I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, an inflammatory bowel disease that affects my colon. I was once a completely healthy college student, and suddenly, my life revolved around trips to the restroom, medication and insomnia. Because I could not control my trips to the bathroom, I would become unnerved at the idea of going out in public, attending concerts, festivals, or anything that made it difficult to get to the bathroom quickly.
Although I was able to get a handle on my condition, the anxiety remained. Everyday situations felt like too much. Even if I was having a good digestive health day, I didn’t want to leave home. Being in social situations would stress me out, for fear that chronic stomach pains would make an appearance. I couldn’t have fun because all I would think about was the safety of being home, just in case I had to use the bathroom.
The anxiety has lent itself to other aspects of my life as well. When I’m feeling anxious, it’s hard to describe to anyone what I’m anxious about. When I moved out of my parents’ house, I laid in bed for three days, feeling numb and immobilized. I knew I was excited about getting a place of my own, but anxiety about moving, packing, unpacking, and being alone left me frozen.
How anxiety presents itself physically
When my anxiety is at its worse, it triggers my colitis. I have more frequent trips to the bathroom. I can’t eat much, and don’t really have the desire to. I have stomach cramps, and feel as though I’ve been hit by a truck. I get migraines. I feel like I can’t physically move, and my muscles cramp. I speak in low tones.
How anxiety presents itself mentally
My thoughts tend to spiral out of control. I think of it like a target. My anxiety starts small, from the innermost circle in the target. My mind magnifies my fears until those circles are bigger and bigger, and I’ve spiraled to a place I can’t come back from. With the help of my therapist, I’ve been able to recognize when my anxiety is talking, versus real problems. When it comes to relationships, my anxiety tricks me into thinking I’m not good enough, that no one likes me, that I’m not a talented writer, and everything feels so personal.
What a day when my anxiety is at my worst looks like
I wake up annoyed. Anything anyone says feels like a personal attack, mistreatment and abandonment. My mood is always changing. Sometimes I feel extremely tearful. My thoughts race, and I feel like I’m standing outside my own body looking at myself. I can’t work, I can’t write, and I keep going over the same problems in my head. Sometimes, my heart races. When things feel unbearable, I have to go to sleep, and wait for the day to be over.
My go-to coping mechanism
Through work with my therapist, I’ve learned to identify when I’m experiencing anxiety, what my core-beliefs are, and some self-soothing techniques. With redefining my core-beliefs, I’ve been able to uncover certain situations that have happened to me that help me understand why I have a particular anxiety. I’ve also written a “healing list” for myself. It’s a list developed by Stevona Elem, a black woman who promotes self-love and healing. On the list, I’ve written both tangible and intangible items that help keep my anxiety away and put my days in perspective. A few items on my list include: take a bubble bath every Thursday, sign up for a cooking class, read all of James Baldwin’s novels. There’s also the intangible items that help soothe me: cry when I need to, stop making myself available to everyone, let go of the bags that aren’t mine to carry, stop blaming myself. They’ve been working wonderfully.
I also love to cook. It’s been the most calming thing on my Healing List. The act of seeing ingredients come together, and knowing that I can control the recipe is so soothing.
What I wish people knew about anxiety
Everyone has anxiety, it’s just that some people’s anxieties can become more amplified than others. I’ve been through a lot in the past few years, but pain is not a competition. People should understand that everyone’s stressors aren’t the same, so anxiety is not stupid or trivial.
