In an effort to try treating my body better, I started running again for the first time in more than five years.
I used to run all the time by myself in high school, with the laser-focused intention of losing weight. On the outside, I had healthy habits, but it never felt like enough, and I was constantly in mental turmoil.
The more time passes, the more I feel like I should have a better grip on how to be good to myself both mentally and physically. I know that I’m stronger and more confident in myself than I used to be. But in the past few months, and especially after running, I’ve felt a resurgence of conflicted emotions surrounding my body and behavior — about the way I used to live, about the way I want to be living, about the way people see me and about the way I see myself.