The Anxiety Chronicles is a series from The Lily that examines the journeys different women have with anxiety.
My history with anxiety
Others found out about my anxiety before I did. I could keep calm in moments of high pressure and intensity, so I figured I couldn’t possibly be anxious. My mind would spiral out of control, from irrational fears to excessive guilt for the tiniest of mistakes. But I told myself that wasn’t anxiety.
I have always considered myself an overthinker. I’ve always dwelled too much on banal decisions, going insane over “tough” choices that aren’t significant, and beating myself up for anything that I did that wasn’t “the best possible outcome.”
I realized that I was missing out on all the wonderful things around me because I was so stuck in my own thoughts. Even when I didn’t have any immediate worries, I’d go back to pick at some old scab, most times beating myself up for whatever potentially wrong thing I had done. It wasn’t after I started 100 Days of Overthinking that I understood my overthinking as a manifestation of anxiety.
How anxiety presents itself physically
For me, it’s always crying. I’m often able to hold it in until I’m by myself, but also very often I can’t. When I feel anxiety kicking in, I get overwhelmed. I feel my eyes grow watery, and I know that at the slightest poke I’ll burst. I have to tilt my face up and dedicate every nerve of my body to keep the tears in.
How anxiety presents itself mentally
My mood crashes in a matter of seconds. I retreat into my own mind and shut off what’s around me. I’m unable to pay attention to anything else — every thought is destined to worry about whatever I’m anxious about. I feel deflated, defeated, and stuck — feelings that are almost always followed by guilt for my own negativity.
What a day when my anxiety is at its worst looks like
I’m aloof and absentminded most of the time, and very often I crash and cry once. I’m unable to be productive, and I feel clouded when I try to focus. I get frustrated at my own inability to concentrate and to get past whatever is making me anxious, so I beat myself up.
My go-to coping mechanism
I seek out validation from the people closest to me. I feel the need to share my thoughts, looking for reassurance and advice. I have a very hard time keeping my anxiety to myself, but it’s a double-edged sword — often when I don’t find the peace that I’m looking for in others, I sink a little deeper.
I often feel like I overwhelm or tire others with my anxiety. 100 Days of Overthinking became a go-to coping mechanism for me because I could share my thoughts without burdening anyone. It has also meant channeling my anxious energy in a positive and productive way, and one that seems to connect people who feel that way, too. It’s led me to embrace my anxiety.
One thing I wish people understood about anxiety
It gets worse when it is ignored — you feed it each time you neglect it. I struggled to understand how my anxiety came to be, and it was only when I started therapy that I understood that each time I disregarded my anxious feelings, I was actually letting it build and grow inside me, allowing it to intensify.
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